"we have drink upstairs. wanna play?"

i was mistaken for a prostitute. not once, but twice.

i have never been so grateful for lucite stripper heels in my life. at least in america, that's what separates hos from girls who are just recreationally skanky. but in the land of problems (china), prostitutes dress pretty conservatively, so apparently my dress from target was enough to signal to an entire club, "HELLO. if you are old, rich, and white i love you long time, at least until the onset of herpes."

the offending dress in question

because, apparently you are not even allowed to lean on the backs of couches in a club. adrienne did so because oh maybe we were tired. and then some asian lady with an old white man taps us on the shoulder and asks if we want to have a drink. to which we reply "you are sitting with a man with an asian fetish and probably pedophilia. no thank you ma'am."

five minutes later, an asian woman with entirely too much glitter on her face puts her arm around me. when such situations occur, i think it best to pretend not to understand, so i told her i didn't speak chinese, to which she replies,

"oh no problem. we have party table upstairs yeah? we give free drink, you come, you sit. wanna play?"

to which i replied,

"i am going to feed some orphans right now so in my next karmic reincarnation i never have to come across anyone like you ever again."

speaking of glitter, several bitch ass hos (and i say that without feeling bad, because that's what they were--- bitches because they were blocking the napkin dispensers, hos because, well, that's what they do for a living) were changing into bikini tops in the bathroom and had slathered on the glitter onto their cleavage, which was entirely unnecessary because HELLO WE ARE IN CHINA. the shinyness will not make them look bigger. after a certain point, one just has to accept the fact that HELLO I AM ASIAN I HAVE THE BODY OF A PREPUBESCENT LAD.

that night, i knew it was about time to go home when i walked down the stairs and there were two midgets standing on the bar, dressed like teachers, but teachers you only ever see in saturday morning cartoons from japan, or perhaps morally questionable lolita schoolgirl porn (these two can be the same thing). there were actually girls dressed in school uniforms instead of gogo dancers. and then i decided that my life had become a cariacature, and i needed to leave before i tried to strangle myself with my purse.

but then sunday night hung out with the whiffs after sneaking into their concert because it's my goal in life to be lucas o'connor, so life was good again. except i realized that i work for a company that makes bondage ads. but them i remembered that OH WAIT I HAVE A BALLERINA DRESS.

that is all.